Monday, September 21, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
So here I am back again with another blog loosely based off my experiences. What bothers me the most is that so many ppl say the things they want in a mate, but don’t kno how to look for it. 9 times out of 10, it is right in front of them. But we are either too superficial or too ignorant to see it.
This blog is not only inspired by my own life experiences, but a documentary by Tim Alexander called “Diary of a Tired Black Man”. If I must give this a title, it would be labeled “Ways to Find a Good Man”, a long overdue sequel to my “Ways to Keep and Understand a Good Man” written March 2008. But before I begin, I will say that most of these views can be ambiguous and apply to men as well. But this will focus on women….
What kills me the most is that women want a savior from their constant bad choices in men and relationships. But when they find him, he turns out to be “like a big brother to them” or they “don’t want to lose him as a friend”. So they put this man they’ve waited their life for on the backburner to continue to get involved with idiots only to run back to the good guy when their hearts get broken…..again.
An ideal relationship is one where the man and the woman are best friends. The problem comes in when you and this guy you are talking to have nuthin in common but sex. And when you tire of that, and eventually you will, what do you have left to offer him? And what will he really want to offer you if you already givin up the goods? The fact of the matter is that when you break it down, women don’t want the man of their dreams for real. Why? He won’t give you everything you want. But will do his best to give you what you need. He will stimulate you mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, as well as physically if need b. But he won’t engage in senseless arguments or your “tests” to see how much he cares about you. If he is your friend, you don’t hafta test him. This whole mentality of “I’m not gonna call/txt him today to see if he calls/texts me” or “Ima say this jus to see what he does/says” is the QUICKEST way to miss out on a good thing. As your friend, you kno him and his body language, and should kno his language of love for you.
Where many women lose out is when you attempt to treat this man like every other man that has done you wrong. If you can’t let go of the past and want to make every new guy in your life pay for the old guys’ mistakes, you probably don’t need to be talking to anyone jus yet. Learn from your mistakes, don’t continue to project them jus so you can relive them. Lookin for a man to make a mistake and disappoint you like all the others is a set up for failure….and rather annoying….
Another place women fail is because they settle way too easily. You want companionship so bad and don’t want to be alone, you don’t kno how to focus on taking time out for yourself and getting you together. A good man may have the patience and strength to build you up, but we would def rather have SOME assembly required, then to start from scratch. A good relationship is not two broken ppl comin together to become whole, it’s two complete ppl comin together to become one. If you aint taking the time to better yourself, y should he? That God’s job, not your man’s.
And on that note, a good man LOVES an independent woman. A woman that “has her own” is very attractive. But don’t be so independent you end up bitter and alone. Too much of anything is a bad thing. This includes your independence. You may not “need” a man, but I doubt your dream is to be alone for the rest of your life.
That brings me to another point, a good man doesn’t mind spoiling his woman to make her feel like a queen. But a lil reciprocity goes a looooooooong way!! As much energy as he spends making you feel like a queen, there should be some attempt to make him feel like a king. You reap what you sow, in the words of the Bible. If all you are doing is taking from your man, don’t be upset when he becomes drained. A good woman knows how to replenish her man and build him up. Give and take is a very powerful concept. And if you have a man that doesn’t kno how to receive…..teach him.
Be very weary of a man that tells you he loves you, but can’t tell you why. Or someone that can’t tell you specifically what they want from you when you ask. Answers like “I want what you want” or “I want to be with you” don’t count. Watch his actions. A regular man will spend his energy on saying whatever he thinks you what to hear to manipulate your mind. A good man can not only run down a list of y he loves you or misses you, but he can show you. And not jus by buyin you sumthin you desire. Sometimes love is spelled T-I-M-E, remember that.
Another red flag to look for is the things that you can’t stand or refuse to put up with. NEVER go into a relationship thinking you can change someone, or someone has potential to be what you want. If someone shows, you who they are, believe them. If what you deserve is not already there, move on. This goes back to actions, he can say all day he wants to settle down and he wants to change, but if u r his first “serious” relationship after him hoing around, RUN!! Old habits are hard to break, and its goin to take time and patience you probably don’t have to get this man where he needs to be for you.
I think the last thing I will say is, if you want to break the cycle of heartbreak and foolishness you have been experiencing, you will have to look places you usually overlook. You will have to change your cognitive view of what is “attractive”. The athlete, the aspiring rapper, and all them are nice for now. But what can they really do for you in the long run, besides knock you up and pay you child support? Or take you on shoppin sprees to try to fill in the huge gaps left in your life from men who have taken so much from you and didn’t kno how to give back? If you want a change in your love life, change what you do. The nice guy may be boring and lame, but who’s to say that there can’t be a compromise? A good relationship takes work. A great relationship takes patience. If you aren’t willing to put in the time for what you want, don’t complain when you can’t find a good man.
A good man is NOT hard to find. Chances are you found him and had him in your life, but your vanity and ignorance ran him off. We don’t mind being your friend, but we refuse to be your backup plan when no one else works out. If all you want is to be friends, don’t get mad when he moves on and find someone else. Do you really expect a man to wait until u r ready for him while you lose yourself in dating other ppl? B real…would you do it if the roles were reversed??
If you don’t want a man who is always goin out to the club, y r u there? If you don’t want your man to get ripped every wkend, y r u doin it? Start to live the qualities you want to see and receive in your man. And when you have someone who genuinely cares for you, don’t blow them off or take them for granted. Before you kno it, you will look up, and they will be gone because your lifestyle and all your walls have pushed him away. Care that someone cares for u. Love.
When a man is going thru, the very last thing you should do is turn everything in his situation around to focus on you and what he didn’t do for you. If he is having a bad day, don’t trip if he doesn’t feel like talking. If he is a genuine good man, no matter how many times he contacts you, you are still his woman. The focus can’t always be on you. All the time he spends making you feel special and feel like a queen, he needs to feel like a king. When he is not at his best, he can’t do that. Give him time to get back to optimal strength. Your man is still human.
A good man does not expect you to cater to his ego, but neither does he expect you to ignore it altogether. A man is still a man. If you want a dog or another pet, go to an animal shelter.
Your man is a good listener. He will listen to all your problems and concerns. But when it is time for you to listen, stop talking. Don’t be so closed minded your man can’t get his point across. That is how you get him to shut down, because it becomes pointless talking to you.
And if your man is not talking or spilling the contents of his mind, give him time. Don’t think that jus because he is with you, he will automatically give you his heart. Love takes time. Infatuation takes a moment. Lust takes a glance. Remember that and think about which one you REALLY have right now.
When your man does engage you in conversation, it is very annoying for you to shut down when he is trying to open up. That is the quickest way to get him to stop trying to talk to you. He is concerned, but know that with a man, "It’s whatever", "do you", or "It’s all good. I aint even gonna trip" WON’T fly. A man can’t know how you feel if you don’t tell him. Care that a man cares about you.
Also, if this is your first good man, ask him why he is with you ONCE. Saying things like "I don’t see how you put up with me", and things of that nature on a constant basis are annoying, and will make us second guess why we are with you. If you want a man that will yell and scream and raise his hand to you and call you a bitch, slut, or a ho please see someone else. If that’s not what you want, don’t look for it in us. And quit expecting us to do the same things that previous men did. That more you expect it, the more you will look for it. The more you look for it, the more the littlest thing we do or don’t do becomes what you "expect" to happen. Don’t put us on a pedestal, but don’t make us a footstool either.
NEVER assume that you and a man are on the same page. Good men are still men. We still need things explained to us. Don’t think we automatically see things the way you do. Sit us down, talk to us. Tell us where you are, or where you think we should be. The fastest way to a broken heart/disappointment is to set us up on a pedestal that we know nothing about. Communication is key.
With that said, if you are mad at a man…tell HIM. Your friends are not in your relationship; don’t expect them to control your man. If you want your man to do something, or see something your way, TELL HIM. Running to your friends and spilling your guts behind your man’s back doesn’t give him automatic knowledge of how you feel. The same thing you say to your friends…say to your man. Mind reading only works in the comics.
Once again, know your man. If he doesn’t like to talk on the phone, DO NOT blow up his phone. He will miss you if give him a chance. Not saying not to call him, but don’t nag him. Every second of the day is not yours. The man does have a life to live. He also needs alone time or time with his boys. Do things in moderation.
Being confrontational is immature. Cussing him out, talking about his family, or swinging on him is the quickest way to cause anger or get us to look at you negatively; especially when you are doing these things out of the blue for seemingly NO REASON. This goes back to communication. Tell your man what is up so there is no surprise violence.
Also know that unless you have a ring, a marriage license, and his last name, you are NOT the most important woman in his life. You are not his proverbial 1. Know that you are his girlfriend and you are closer to him and more intimate with him than anyone else. But also know that he has friends/family that have been there before you, and will be there after you, jus like in your life. There are people you will put before him in certain moments, don’t get mad if he does the same. If you can’t respect a man’s inner circle, you can’t respect him. And know that if you want to get rid of the double standard, the things you do, he is also entitled to do.
Lastly, never go into a relationship thinking that you can change a man or his mannerisms. The man’s personality is one of the things that attracted you. If there are things you can’t stand, talk to us. If it’s irreconcilable, thanks for your time. Relationships are about compromise, not metamorphosis.
Know that you have to go thru some bad ones to appreciate the good ones. But also know when you have a good one. Don’t fool yourself.